You Know You're Tired When....

I have never been much of a sleeper. From as far back as I can recall I would night wake and not be able to return to sleep. Very scary dreams about all kinds of child like terrors would keep me awake. And sometimes the simple noise of my mind on nothing specific at all was even louder than the bad dreams.  For some reason, I was always very concerned with the safety of everyone, and of their whereabouts. I used to make my mother or father tuck me in tight, and then I'd try like hell not to move, for fear that if I did move that somehow no one was safe. The things kids think up!!!

I remember being about 6 years old, and coming up with imaginary inventions of sleep aids. Like my imaginary dream cartridge that played "mind music" and soothing sounds.  Or my imaginary wind down tool. I would literally envision a huge gear with a crank turning, and turning connected to imaginary strings attached to my brains "sleep department". Wild, eh? And this all "dreamed" up in the middle of the night in my little girl bedroom that oozed mauve and lace.

In my teen years it was worse. I started having brutal nightmares. Not just the super scary chased by a giant dog all the way to school type, but more of the "shit, should I have seen a child psychiatrist" variety. (Probably should have , really.) I think that this crazy psychological dreamscape contributed heavily to my need to "self medicate". Yeah, we'll call it that. I had my problems at school and at home, like all teenagers do. But, I don't know if the twist and turns in my head at night are so common. I would imagine that hormones have a lot to do with it. Also, I have no scientific evidence to base this upon, but I went on Birth Control pills at age 15, and I'm fairly certain that they made me more than a little crazy. Christ, I would cry at the drop of a mention of dropping a hat. And at night, I'd try to write all my emotions out before bed, hoping not to swim in dark thoughts all night long, and to just sleep. But more often than not, I would wake up after a few hours terrified, or understandably, not be able to drift off in the first place.

Then along came booze. I mentioned self mediating in my teen years, well for sure, I passed out more often than I slept. But in my 20s is when the real dependency kicked in. My hand  grew a 6th finger I smoked so many cigarettes. About 2 packs a day actually. Disgusting. Happy to say it's been more that 4 years since I quit being a slave. Read this article on quitting I wrote  on Squidoo if you want to hear more about that. http://www.squidoo.com/quit-smoking-for-health-its-simple-craving-free-today-fast So yeah, I smoked like a chimney, was high or else I was low, and I don't think I knew what sleeping without at least 6 drinks in me was like for about 5 years or so. I used to try not to have any more than 10 drinks That was the minimum. And then Gin and I hooked up, and that stat got WAY worse. Lets just say I was VERY ashamed of my recycling bin. I think I sufficiently made myself not dream at all, or at least be too drunk when I woke up to remember the dream for most of my 20's.

Phew, well that look at my 20's was depressing. Kind of got off on a tangent, but the point is that I suck at sleeping.

 I must say, to be fair, I wasn't exemplary at being awake either.

Now, as a squeaky clean, clear, shiny healthy mom in my 30's if you give me 30 seconds, I don't even need to be reclined and I can doze. No problem. Sometimes I have bad dreams, but they are relevant to my life, as in not from Hell. I am a worry wort so, I would expect my super cautious nature to seep into my sub-conscience, just a wee bit.  The real bitch of it is, that, now that I can sleep, life won't let me. I fear that Mother Nature has a wicked sense of humor and has blessed me with children who are like me, and require no sleep. Yes, as my BFF has mentioned more than once, I am lucky to be so capable of being fully functional on no sleep.She says I "have that part of mothering in the bag". And all though I agree, I am blessed this way, that doesn't mean I wouldn't love to sleep for more than an hour at a time!!! I finally know what true sleep feels like, for goodness sake. What a cruel trick to now only be allowed 1 hour time slots to enjoy the feeling!!

Anyway. This is the way it is now.Now that I can sleep, I have no opportunity. My mother said "wait until they are teenagers... then you'll have opportunity, but you'll be so worried, you will be sleepless still."
Thanks mom..you're a real peach. :)

So. You know you're tired when....

...you are stomping your foot angry that the microwave won't work. You are about to give up and then you realize the door is open.

...you are convinced that something is humming and no one can hear it but you.

...you look for the milk, forever, and then you find it sour, in the cupboard.

Go ahead and add yours under the comments, that's just my morning so far, I'll add more later :)


Oct 24th You know you're tired when you have a heart attack over your missing baby, but she's safely in the other room where you, of course, put her!