We were all snuggled in with Isla on one side and Elway on the other, reading some wonderful Mercer Mayer books. Isla will actually try so hard to stay awake for night-nights with her brother, it's so adorable how much she loves him. And finally, Elway loves to have her there too.Every night of my sons life, I have sang him to sleep, until we brought home Baby Isla.
Last night, Elway wanted me to sing again. The Lion Sleeps Tonight, over and over and over. Just like before.
I tried very hard not to allow my tears to affect my vocal chords, but there have been few if any more emotional moments in my life.
As you may have already gathered, my little guy didn't take it very well becoming big brother.
For the first week he seemed terrified, not over the shock even of my going to the hospital. He was so scared leading up to the date that he stressed over my last 6 doctors appointments, and would want to check my heart beat all the time.
Weeks two and three. I don't even know the little boy from week two. He hardly smiled, and when he did it was mostly an act. He cried at the drop of a hat, but woundedly. Not like the drama king he always is. He would get a mean little glint in his eye every now and then. The boy was more than jealous, he was angry and confused. There are no words to describe my pain in those weeks.
For those of you who have never met my son, he might be the most strapping little boy on the planet, and he can harness quite a lot of energy. Lets just say I became like a ninja guarding my pregnant belly against him in a good mood. Well. One day, he hit her. Just ran up while she was sleeping and whapped her in the tummy soo hard it left a little hand print. She screamed a scream I'd never heard in my life. It isn't like any one EVER hit Elway. I was instantly breathless. after a half second of terror over her condition, my instinct clicked in that she was fine. But then another instinct clicked in. Even another baby, will provoke the wrath of a mother, if they bring harm to her newborn child. I am supremely proud of my self control that day. I clutched Isla to my chest and ran her to her crib where she was safe and then came out and yelled at my son so loudly that when I went on the back deck, my neighbor asked if I had hit him. I blubbered to her, that I did not.....and then wailed 'but I wanted to!!!!!'.
It is hard for me to believe that I might actually push that 'publish' button after having written all this down. I was so devastated at the time... I felt like the worst mom in the world. I didn't care that I kept control, I only loathed that I could have created a situation that would make me this enraged at my son. And I was bitter that my little girl had to hear me scream, never mind endure the wallop. I resented that I couldn't just bask in the love of our new little girl without crushing my Bubba's fragile little heart, or at least tell her I love her above a whisper. All I could think was, what have I done?? What has become??
The guilt of creating his first true emotional anguish has left me now, but the memory probably never will.
The next few weeks brought different troubles. Isla got colicky. From about 5 pm to usually 9 or so, but quite a few times until 11, she was inconsolable. Surprisingly, this screaming did not try my patience or wear me down. I have infinite patience for the complaints of true pain, emotional or otherwise. What was devastating was that these hours of the day were when I was home alone with the kids and trying to get dinner on the table and then do night-nights. And Elway showed his true character. He would eventually and understandably tire of it all, but he had compassion for his little sis. What he couldn't handle was that I couldn't continue our bedtime routine, and he just couldn't fall asleep with all the screaming on top of that. The poor boy would cry and cry, pleading me to just come help him sleep. And so I'd lay her down screaming for a minute that seemed like an eternity, and try to fuse as much motherly night-night love into an imaginary silence, but after a minute, I had to run back to my daughter and try like hell to ease her pain.
It was exhausting on a whole other level than sleep deprivation. Jim would get home and I would just cry.
But time went by and slowly, Elway wrapped his brain around the fact that his spot in our hearts is only fortified. He loves Isla so much now that I just want to take pictures of them all day long. He tries to teach her stuff, and entertain her, and gets so proud to introduce her to people in the world. It's awesome. Of course he'd like her to hurry up and grow so she can play with him already, but he's taken to telling her "soon, Baby Isla, soon."
So, last night when I sang to my children together for the first time, over and over, the happiest tear slid down my cheek and Elway snuggled in a little further.
Elway: Mommy?? Why is there wet? Are you crying?
Me: Not sad crying Bubba. Just happy tears cause I love you so much!
Elway: And you love Baby Isla too!
Me: Yes. I love both of you very much!!
Elway: Night time comes to Elway's World. Sweet dreams!!
Me: Do you just say stuff to be adorable?
Elway: Shh, no more talking, Mommy it's night-nights now.
Me: Kay, goodnight then. Love you.
A few minutes pass. I am just starting to wonder if he is asleep.....
Elway: Can you sing it one more time mommy. For me and Baby Isla?
So I sang and they slept before the "Hush my darlings" part.
:)
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