Since this morning, I've been, how shall I say, flickin tired!! And I have felt like there is a big sign on my back begging anyone and everyone to do everything in their power to gnaw away at my last shred of sanity. And my kids, are no exception. Seriously, this is the text I just sent my husband.
"If he doesn't stop this faux agony whining I may have to end it for him. If anyone should be whining it's me. I've been puked and peed on twice, stepped in cat puke, and accidentally held human feces. When will you be home, we're having chicken."
If you are wondering, no, I don't concern myself with textiquette. If I have a lot to say, you're getting 5 pages.
Anyhoo, this is what went down in the grocery store. It's a wonder I'm not drunk right now.
Me: Kay, Buddy. Be on best behavior now, you promised Mumma.
Elway: Yes. I'm not going to run away. I'm going to stay close. I'm not going to grab stuff. OK? Capiche? Capiche.
Me: Good.
We walk in the store and with Halloween around the first meltdown is over a pumpkin.
Elway: I want to get a pumpkin to decorate Mommy
Me: We are going to wait til tomorrow and go with Daddy to pick one out.
Elway: Is tomorrow family day?
Me:Yes
Elway: I don't want to watch football mommy, I want to make a pumpkin.
Me: You mean a Jack-o-lantern, not a pumpkin.
BIG Mistake. Crying and screaming ensues after Elway is confused thinking we aren't ever getting a pumpkin.
I explain and eventually he's calmer.
Me: OK, we are going in now. Best behavior.
Elway: Mommy look CANDY!!!!
I am uber strict regarding candy. I never ever let him have any of the really junky stuff, chocolate on occasion, certain baked goods, with fruit gummies... but never ever the gumball variety crap. Not even at Halloween
Me: No. Maybe if you're good we can buy some cheesy popcorn.
Elway looks at me out of the corner of his eye, GRABS a thing of assorted junk, and RUNS. Fast. On a Saturday at the grocery store, while I might ad I have Isla in the snugli making it a little hard to, you know, sprint. He doesn't get very far before a very kind dad with an infant in his cart grabs Elway's hoodie for me and hold him there.
There is much conversation, during which I use his full name, and he calls me a mean-iac.
Passers by jest that I have my hands full. Ya think?? Can you imagine if I let him eat the gumballs?
Anyway, I hold his hand dragging him through he store while he whines and whines and finally we are at the front cash where every cashier has met Elway before... and love his baby blues..
Elway: (whining) This just makes me sad
Seriously, this is what he says.... the drama drips!!
Me: You? You're fine. I'm the one who just had a heart attack.
Elway: (to the cash lady) I ran away from mommy and she had a heart attack.
Lady: You did? Well that's not very good... aren't you a good boy for your mommy?
Elway: No. I ran away to Elway World and was never going to come back because mommy said I can't have a pumpkin.
The cash lady's eyebrows raise.
Me: I said he couldn't have candy, not the pumpkin... Elway, I told you we are getting a pumpkin with Daddy tomorrow.Elway: I'm sad because I don't want to watch football, so I ran away..
You'd think we chain him to a chair or something. His flickin lip quivers...the lady looks concerned... she is below average intelligence.
Lady: Aw.. you could come home with me
I hate her.
Elway: No I just want mommy to be happy. I want to buy her flowers.
The flowers are half dead.
Me: Oh... thanks bear, but that's OK. Mommy knows you are sorry for running away.
Elway: Aren't I allowed to buy you flowers Mommy? I love you so much.
I see Oscars in his future, but I buy the flowers anyway.
Elway: Don't I get a "thank-you"?
Me: (With a hug and kiss) You're unbelievable bear. Unbelievable.
Elway: Now can I get a pumpkin?
Me: *Sigh* No pumpkin.
The lady is happy. Elway is happy. The flowers are happy because they finally got a drink.
And you know, it's about time someone bought me some flowers. Somehow, my husband is in shit.
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