A Place On Earth

I was asked today...do I believe in heaven and hell? Well, yes and no.

I find it hard to explain how I feel about believing in anything, but I will try... 

To me; believing is equatable to hoping to know something, but having no way of knowing, and so, impatiently pretending that you now know that something to be true. Although I think that we all create our own destiny with self fulfilled prophesy, I don't tell my self  'I believe I can do this" if I know that I cannot!! I tell myself " I am capable and willing and therefore can do this" when it is true. 


What can I say, I do not like disappointment. 

I prefer to think that living my life while I live it, for the reward of being the best person I can be right, here, and now, treating every day, this very day included, as though it could be my last, and yet always looking forward to tomorrow, able to look at myself in the mirror each morning and say 'I love who you are and who you try to be' ... well, in my humble opinion, doing this, and having my beautiful children, husband and family, having love, real love, everyday, IS heaven. It is all I would ever wish heaven could be. 

Perhaps, the reason why follows.

I also have lived in 'hell'. I spent more than 10 years, not able to look in the mirror, except to ensure that I was hidden well. I ached. So I anesthetized... only to ache more. I tried to hold the beauty I saw in others and make it my own, and suffered the loss as I felt it slip away. I loved others, abundantly, quite selflessly, and that was the problem. I gave endlessly unable to receive, because without ever loving myself, I couldn't feel it when it was given. Real love always felt like pity, or obligation, or if it felt good... it felt displaced. Love, and life, burned my eyes and ran my feet raw, and I never seemed to get anywhere no matter how hard I tried. So I anestheitized. It was pure hell. 

I think that now and then, we receive little messages, from those that have passed away. Like to think of them as a child plays with a lilac, and that child has the same fiery tousled hair that they wore and suddenly you're smiling and you don't even know why.... 

I think that memories run deeper than our mind, and so even if we can't recall a loved one, our flesh remembers their touch, their scent, and sound.... 

I think that what happens to our flesh after living matters not, for the loved ones we left behind keep our vessels whole in their memory...

I think that deceiving yourself that you must conduct yourself accordingly, in order to prevent an eternal damnation, is a way of depriving yourself of the innate nature to just be your wonderful self, and thus robs you of the heaven you could be living every day.

And Oh My God this earth is beautiful... the way nature works, both symbiotic and vicious, is mesmerizing and elusive, yet so simple. When nothing in the world makes any sense, a deer will always startle to the loud crack of a branch. Nature has always been my refuge. My search for heaven started in a lush valley..... and I think that is where I eventually found it.

When I was a little girl, my Daddy told me to look for the beauty in every day. I have always done this. What he failed to add, an important little detail, was that if I couldn't find any in the world around me, never to fear, because I would always have it in me....... but Dad always said "You learn things better if you teach yourself" 

Thanks for the point in the right direction Dad, I got lost for a while but there sure was a pretty sunrise this morning. 

So.... 

Do I believe in heaven and hell? Yes and No. 

Do I believe in God? I don't have to. Have you seen my children?