Elway was outside playing in his play store, and Isla spat out her Vitamin D drops, so I thought hey, I will chop the apples outside. Then maybe I'll fold the laundry outside too. That would make it a lot easier to keep buying food from Elway and get things done, plus we'll make up for that vitamin D with some sunsine. Yeah,still sounds like a good plan.
So there I am with Isla set up, and all my laundry, and my apples and cutting board.
Elway: Mo-mmy! Do you want to buy some milk?
Me: Sure buddy I'm coming down!
I leave the deck with a handful of change getting ready to purchase imaginary food.
Me: Would you take 10 cents for the milk and a cookie?
Elway: Chocolate chip? Or Chicken?
Me: Chicken? Were talking about cookies here. I've never heard of a chicken cookie.
Elway: Yes mommy a chicken cookie.
Me: OK,(???) I'll take the chocolate chip.
Elway: 10 cents. Thank-you. Come again.
I go back up on the deck. I'm there for about 30 seconds.
Elway: Mo-mmy!! I said "Come again!!!"
Me: Kay, buddy, Im just still enjoying my milk and cookie here!
Stalling. I know, I know..but I'd never get anything done! He looks annoyed, so I'm off to market again.
Me: What do we have here. Can I buy some chicken cookies?
Elway: Sorry, we're all out.
Me: All out eh? Sure I could see that... what do you have?
Elway: Horse cookies, peanut butter, water..
Me: I will have a ... a what? What in the world is a horse cookie?
Elway: (a true salesman) They are dee-licious!!
Suddenly, I hear Isla, not screaming, but making this sound she makes that means 'Yo! Problem!'
I run up on the deck where there are about 30 wasps, yellow jackets, hornets what-ever-they-are's. Yep 30 give or take. They are swarming my apples. Duh. I know.
It takes a few trips in and out of the house and I scream several times ridiculously. 1st trip Isla is ushered in. Elway would have been left down on the grass, had I any say, but he ran up to the commotion (shocking) so he came in second. Then came in the laundry.
I'm looking out the window, and the swarm on my apples is scary to me even from behind the glass. It is here that I make the fatal error and say:
Me: Son of a bitch!! Stupid wasps wrecking the sunny day again!!! It's the end of October! I'm so tired of this crap! Die! For goodness sake's! DIE!!
Sometimes I wish I was a little less dramatic.
Elway has started to squeal along with my ranting. He thinks this is great.
I just want my apples. Bugger wasps.
I have the foresight to move Isla to the bedroom and shut the door, and I tell Elway to wait in the living room.So I go out, swatter in hand, and bravely (squealing like a pig) grab my apples. I manage to only let 3 wasps follow me in and I rather impressively end their lives quickly and with a vengeance.
Elway: (Calls from the other room) Did you make all the stupid wasps DIE mommy?
Me: (Shit) Yes Bear. Honey listen, mommy shouldn't have said all that stuff I said when I was yelling. I was very upset, but it's no excuse. Do you understand?
Elway: Yes. You hate the 'sum of itch"?
Me:(Huge exhale) Well, hate isn't a nice word.... but yes, I don't want the wasps to sting us. (Don't judge me)
Elway: Why was there so many wasps? Did they want to sting you?Me: No. Mommy wanted to cut up the apples outside, but that was silly, because wasps LOVE apples and all food. All they want is the food but sometimes they just sting anyway.
Elway: Not cookies.
Me: Yes. Even cookies.
Elway: No. Not chicken cookies in Elway's World.
Me: *Sigh* Right, well, perhaps not chicken cookies.
Later on I figured out, chicken cookies and horse cookies are Animal Crackers (duh again), and they go very well with vanilla yogurt and homemade applesauce.
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