My brother sent a text last night asking what "Little El" was being for Halloween. I answered "a pain in the ass". Well over all, I was wrong. He was a good boy for the most part. Didn't even really go over the top insane after the wee indulgence we allowed him to gobble. I'm pretty sure he was just flailing and didn't mean to actually punch me in the face :)
But door to door, we just couldn't get him to play along with the standard Halloween procedure. Instead, it went something like this.
Me: OK Buddy, when we get up there we knock nicely, then back up so they can answer the door then say 'Trick-Or-Treat'!! After, you say 'Thank-you'. Every time. OK Bud?
He nods, ever adjusting his Optimus Prime mask and we go up to the door.
He knocks and just stands there and I pull him out of the way so that the woman answering who is totally focused on Isla in my sling doesn't knock him off the shallow stoop. Shit this is going to be fun.
Woman At Door #1: Well hello, what a beautiful baby!! And what are you dressed up as little one?
Elway: Can I have some candy?
Me: Bear, that's not what you're supposed to say...
Elway: Puh-lease!!!
The woman is trying to shove the candy in his sack which he isn't exactly helping her with.
Me: Please is nice, Bear, but you're supposed to say Trick-or-Treat! Remember?
Elway: (at Elway Uber Volume) TRICK-OR-TREAT!!!!
The lady steps back a little saying nothing while I give a sheepish grin.
Elway: (Ads sweetly) Thank-you, Sir!
My sheepish grin sinks gets sheep-i-er.. I am not even going to bother telling him "that was a lady, and 'sir' is for a man" for umpteenth time.
Next house. I remind him again the way to play, adding that he is not to ask for specific things.
He knocks and just stands there and I pull him out of the way so that the man can open the door.
Man At Door #2: Happy Halloween!! Look-e-here! What are you supposed to be?
Elway says nothing.
Me: Tell the man who you are, Honey.
Elway: I'm Elway.
Man At Door #2: (Wondering if he heard right, and why the kid isn't in a football uniform if he did) Is that so??
Me: His name is Elway. Tonight you're Optimus Prime, aren't you Bear.
Elway: Got any candy?
Me: Elway! You are supposed to say Trick-or-Treat!!
Man At Door #2: That's OK.. Happy Halloween, kid.. (slipping the treat in his bag)
Elway: These are chips??
Me: Chips are great! Sorry. ( Ba-a-a-ah...) Elway! Say 'thank-you' and come on!
Elway: Thank-you and come on (He is wearing a mask, but I know that smile when I hear it.)
Next. I repeat the rules.
This time there are leaves covering the lawn so that you cannot see the path. He is wandering all over the place and I have to lead him the right way. As it turns out the lady is in the driveway with her candy on the hood of her car. She thinks this is funny, I guess.
Lady At Door #3: (Laughing loudly)You got lost there!
Elway: Trick-or-Treat!!
YAY!!!
Lady At Door #3: You like Smarties?
Elway: Yes.
Lady At Door #3: Have two then...
The woman is trying to shove the candy in his sack which he isn't exactly helping her with.
Lady At Door #3: Are you a Transformer?
Elway: Yep.
Lady At Door #3: Very good then...
Elway: Do you know Transformers?
Lady At Door #3: Yes, I know a few.
Elway: I am Optimus Prime
Lady At Door #3: Oh yes that's good
Elway: Do you know any others?
Lady At Door #3: Uh... not sure I do...
Elway: What about Bumblebee? Do you know him?
Lady At Door #3: No, I don't think I do.
Elway: He's yellow.
Me: Elway did you say thank-you?
Elway: (To the lady) Did you give me candy?
Lady At Door #3: Yes I gave you two boxes of Smarties..
Elway: OK then.
Me: Say, Thank-you!
Elway: Thanks, Bye!!
Next house. I plan to skip the neighbour because there is no pumpkin or anything Halloweeny, but Lady At Door #3 assures me they are there. I sigh, for obvious reasons, and because the next door is in earshot and this woman is going to hang around to watch.
He knocks and just stands there and I pull him out of the way so that the elderly man answering can get the heavy door open. He wishes he was in Florida.
Man At Door #4: Oh, okay... you are Batman.
Elway much to my amazement is going to let this slide. Unfortunately, Lady At Door #3 has other plans.
Lady At Door #3: (Very Slowly & Loudly) No Daniel!! He isn't Batman, he's a Transformer!!
Daniel: A what?
Lady At Door #3: Transformer!!
Daniel: Do you want some candy Transformer?
Elway: Uh huh!
What the heck is this crap? No pumpkins? And people keep giving him candy before hes said Trick-or-Treat! This is upsetting me now.
Me: Elway? Did you say Trick-or-Treat?
Elway: No.
He starts to fiddle with a little bird feeder hanging near the mans door.
Elway: This is a nice little house you have here.
Daniel: You like that? It's for my birdies
Elway: Can I have a birdie?
The man looks at me like, what is up with this kid? Like, he's wondering if there is Halloween in Florida.
Me: No buddy, uh, say good-bye Bear..
Elway: Nice house, thank-you, Happy Halloween, good-bye!!!
I turn to Jim and look at him as if to say I think Elway is tired and not going to last long out here and we should probably loop back home as soon as possible.
Jim: What?
Me: I think it's going to rain soon.. (Wink wink. Nudge nudge.)
Jim: It's not raining it's fine.
Me: Fine. Next house is your turn.
Next house. Jim and Elway walk up a long flight of stairs to a house with no pumpkin that I think is probably not opening their door to Trick-or-Treaters.
Jim: Go on buddy... knock so they can hear you..
Nothing.
Elway: They have no pumpkin Daddy...
Jim: OK.. next house..
Elway knocks and just stands there. The woman opening the door has to kind of push my son back with the screen door. Jim is holding the treat bag.
Elway: TRICK-OR-TREAT!!!!
Lady At Door #5: Hi there!!
She is attractive and smiling.
Jim: Hello!
Lady At Door #5: Oh, aren't you a cutie!!
I think she is talking to Elway???
Jim: He is Optimus Prime, right Buddy?
Elway: Yes. Thank-you so much for the candy!
Lady At Door #5: Aww... your welcome!! What a good boy!
Jim: He's the best!
I think Jim is using his charming voice. I send my "hello skinny husband whoring bitch, I am his wifey over here watching you" vibe.
Lady At Door #5: Have fun! Happy Halloween!
Yeah, she got it.
Next house. It really is actually raining now. Jim wants to make sure we hit the super scary awesome one from last year before we roll home. Elway can't handle wearing the mask anymore allowing me to see the saucers where his eyes used to be.
Me: It's kind of raining harder now... I don't have any cover for Isla, and shes passed out in the sling. Elway? Are you ready to go home?
Elway: Yeah..
Wow. He tries to climb in the stroller. I turn to Jim and look at him as if to say I think Elway is tired and not going to last long out here and we should probably loop back home as soon as possible.
Jim: Do you want to go to just one more house around the corner Buddy?
Elway: Sure..
I repeat the look.
Jim: What?
Me: I think Elway is tired and not going to last long out here and we should probably loop back home as soon as possible.
Jim: But the scary house is just around the corner!
Me: He's three! He doesn't want to be scared!
Jim: Oh it will be OK...
We go around the corner in the stroller. It is spitting rain, but I don't feel like arguing.
Jim: Alright Buddy... look at this place
Elway is silent.
Jim: Go on up Bear! Watch out for the witch!!
Elway is going up a staircase with pumpkin obstacles and webby railing that he wont hold on to.
Guy At Door #6 In A Scary Mask: Hello!!
Elway is silent. He doesn't hold out his bag for the guy, just stands there.
Guy At Door #6 In A Scary Mask: You're Optimus Prime eh? That's cool.
Elway can't even hear the guy. He is fully spooked.
Guy At Door #6 In A Scary Mask: (laughing) Happy Halloween kid!
Jim: (With the dude nod, as I like to call it) He was scared here last year too!
Guy At Door #6 In A Scary Mask: Nice! Nice!
Elway is back down the stairs and hugging my leg.
Me: It's OK Bear.. do you want to go home now?
Elway: YES!!!
Me: Alright..
Jim is looking at cool crap on the lawn..
Me: Jim, we are going home are you coming?
Jim: Wow, it's kind of raining eh?
Me: Yes Honey... yes.
Jim: Did you have fun trick-or-treating bud?
Elway: Yes. Can we go again tomorrow?
Me: No Elway. It is only once a year. I told you this same thing last year.
Jim: Yeah, holidays are more special because they only happen one time a year.
Elway: In Elway's World there is Trick-or-Treating everyday and that is VERY special!
Me: And Santa every day too?
Jim: And the Easter Bunny?
Elway: Yes. And the library too??
Jim: Oh, maybe can you go to the library tomorrow?
Me: The library is still closed.
Jim: Oh.
:)
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