Be Kind To & Tip Your Server

Listen up all Bar & Restaurant Workers and Patrons... so Everyone!!

Today I wan out walking home from the park and a folded up piece of notepad paper blew along the path landing so I could read it. In purple sparkly pen it read:

Red head
marg L
burg. ff+g
AP caes no c

Hat
coors p
1lb h.h. xtr s on s, well, no V

HOT
Cor noF
buf. chix. Nmay  house. ital.on s

Immediately I had the order and knew who to take it to. For anyone who hasn't served, this says:

The (likely) girl with red hair is having a lime margarita with a caesar salad sans croutons as an appetizer, then a burger with french fries add gravy.
The (likely) guy in the hat wants a pint of Coors Lt. (I'm in Canada- we have no regular Coors) with 1 pound of wings, well done in honey hot sauce with extra sauce on the side. No carrots or celery.
The attractive (likely) guy ordered a Corona without lime, with a buffalo chicken sandwich, no mayo, with a side house salad with Italian dressing on the side.

I held that sparkly purple pen, for um... 15 years. Wow. I had not done that math in a while.

It suddenly occurred to me after seeing this note, that I have always wanted to be able vocalize to the public, why you should treat your server with kindness, and tip properly. I can hardly believe it's taken me a month of blogging to seize the opportunity.

First of all, before I go any further, if you haven't seen the movie Waiting, go get it. Watch and laugh your but off, then return and finish reading. It is awesome, it stars Ryan Reynolds, here is the trailer.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJEsNjH3JT8   Now there's no mistaking.


That out of the way, I wouldn't count on the kind of kitchen nightmares seen in Waiting, the kind that even Chef Ramsey won't talk about, with gross things going in the soup, happening at all. Any place I ever worked, that never happened, that I know of. I will say one thing though. Big restaurants are so open concept and full of management, that you are likely safe from any food contamination. Those chains teach the management cut throat guidelines for food handling and safety and they all take it seriously. Also, if you are at a very small place where the owner is always around or cooking, likely very safe as well, because owners live in fear of the Health Department. Even the slightest delay in operation, or a reputation tarnishing mad mark, can put some of the independent little guys right out of business. So, eat there for sure. Eat there over the big corporate places too, just because!!

Now, a bit about your server. I'm not going to prattle on about the endless list of douchbags I have encountered in my serving history. Nor will I clue you in to the fact that we (I am back in time as a server right now) are just people too, as realistically, I think you all know that down deep inside. That we are capable of human error, but unlike most jobs we receive direct scrutinization, criticism, and paycuts from the recipients of our err. I am fairly certain that you know, that we know our 'bottom line' will be reflected by our inability, if the case may be, to make your drinking or dining experience perfection. No, I am not referring to any of these old standby subjects on the issue. Like the one where you have a brain fart while ordering, and blame us for bringing you the wrong thing... or when we tell you the legitimate honest to God truth that the kitchen burnt your first order of nachos, and is preparing you a second order and you don't believe a damned word we are telling you... yeah, we noticed that. And it would be petty of me to bring up the hundreds of parents who feel it is within their rights to bring their poorly behaved children (no I am not judging-- some things are made very clear facts all on their own) into a restaurant on a kids eat free night (still not judging) come with your friends and their kids (fabulous. the more the merrier) and then you adults all sit at one table and let the kids all sit at another, (the restaurant is not your house at Christmas), because that way they can all have fun together (while your server babysits and you drink white wine because you think it looks better), and really you'll be right there ( as a buzzed and distracted version of yourself, with your back to the situation where all the kids are shouting out their orders  at the poor waitress at once, forcing her to make them raise hands answering while she calls out, " EVERYONE WHO WANTS APPLE..."). Nope, not even all that bitter about that. And we all totally understand that you, unlike anyone else on the planet, have special requests, likes and dislikes, an intolerance for less than scalding hot beverages, and a time schedule to abide by. We know that you are very special. We don't even mind that you get irritated with us, if you don't like your food, even if it is exactly what you ordered, and there is 100% nothing wrong with it. We will just happily take it off your bill (Yes even if the complaint is that your chicken, was 'too chickeny'). We also forgive how challenging the entire ordering experience can be. Menus.. are confusing, and big, and then servers ask trick content comprehension questions like, " that comes with a salad, did you want the Caesar, or the House?" We are sorry to throw all that at you, we know that you were unjustly ill-prepared when you haughtily waved us over, while we were taking someone else's order. We are fairly certain, the other table didn't mind either. You wouldn't mind if they did it to you right? And it's not like there could have been anything else we were supposed to be doing next. But wait... where ARE your drinks? How is it possible that during the time we first talked, and then I went over to that computer, then I went to the table you just called me from, but yet, somehow, your drinks have not appeared from the bar!?! That is madness, and it's fully our fault, just one second and we will fix it. And in the mean time, just stare at our asses like it aint no thang... You know I actually had a guy throwing money on the floor for me to bend over in my skirt to pick up! Like I can't figure out how to crouch down demurely...

You know what? Enough of this line of chatter... I have been waiting  my entire adult life to dish out this tirade, and I'm gonna!! You people out there, eating and drinking in the world, are plenty deserving of far more chastising than I will have time to dish!
 
This pic is of my fave bar I ever tended... Cornerstone Love!!!!


Servers are not slaves. They fetch you things, yes, but truth be told, we have the right not to. That, and the wage thing, is the difference between slaving, and serving! Most of the time, we just forgo the right to refuse service, because we are all desperate for our seats to be filled with paying customers. About    this... please do not loiter in a busy restaurant. If you are done, pay your bill in a timely fashion and get out! Your stay is officially over when you have consumed the last of the products that you purchased. And no, that doesn't include water. And no, that isn't an invitation to get a refill on a tea, or to nurse the last of you now luke warm half pint for the next 25 minutes. We are hoping and praying that your seats will turnover and that the new party are from this planet and have a clue that they should tip and how much they should tip.

Now lets discuss the tip.

First. It does matter where you are. Every restaurant has different tip out amounts. Your server will never fault you for asking what this amount is if you ask.
Second. Please if at all avoidable, don't pay on debit, or credit card, or at least tip in cash. The reason is because, many, many servers have to pay a percentage of each card uses value. Unfathomable, you say?? I concur whole heartedly, but it is true. Having been both in the position of the employer and employee, well, as an employer I never made the service staff pay the card use premiums, but I can appreciate why! I can costs an extortionate amount of money to offer these payment services to your clientele. But making, staff pay the premiums for you? I feel this is totally unethical. But people do it. The last place I worked, tip out for everything overall was 4% (some places it is as high as 8%) , you add credit card amounts ( mine was at 1.5%) and the final math seemed a lot less than I'd deserved.
Lets see if this sounds right to you.
Say you have a bill that is $50.00, and you think the service met your expectations ( and you weren't expecting a bitchy dither-brain). Well a lot of people will tip 10% and figure, that's good, right? Perhaps. Were you occupying your waiters table for over an hour? Likely. Um, say he tips out 4% too, and you pay on credit. So... 10% of $50.00 is $5.00, but 4% 0f $50.00 is $2.00... now hes got $3.00, plus $0.75 for the card swipe (not your fault - I realize), leaves $2.25. Hmmm. But that is still OK because, they have an hourly wage which is $8.90 where I am, and the minimum wage is 10.50... So? Still $0.40 over the min. That's pretty decent considering a monkey could do it (Frickin' try it before you say so!)... And then you figure, yeah, and I am not the only one in here!
But here is the catch. Here in Ontario at least, most people only dine during certain brief hours. Sure, it works out nicely for us wenches and barkeeps, we make lots in just a short time. Right? But the thing is... our bosses do not keep us around for 8 hour shifts, eh? In fact, I have been sent home countless times without even starting... that's right, without the minimum of 3 hours pay as our labor laws dictate. In fact, labor laws have practically no place in restaurants.  I have never received overtime even though 14 hour shifts happened to be a regular part of my schedule, and on said eternal shifts, (and regular length ones too). So you tell me, if $2.75 is enough when  if I am working only a few hours on some days, (pretty much getting part time paychecks means going in every day) but during those shifts the (hopefully) busy time is only a few hours! Last Christmas I damn near starved, working 5 or 6 nights a week, PREGNANT!

I must say that serving used to be very lucrative, and for sure there are still great days, but overall the economy has changed! A poor economy hurts the hospitality industry first! Not that I expect you to fix the economy.

I break it down like this.

If a waitress goes above and beyond, meeting and exceeding my expectations (which are high) I leave 25-30%
If my waiter does an awesome job, but we didn't really bond (I am very easy to bond with) then its 20-25%
If the bartender does a great job, but takes a little long, but not due to extreme business, just because they are busy flirting, I understand, cause that chick was hot, but I am only tipping 15-20%
If the waitress effs up and is super sweet and apologetic about it, and/ or tries to compensate for inconvenience, provided the inconvenience isn't that I am still hungry 3 hours later, I am still tipping 20-25%
If the server effs up, and says sorry, but I don't think she could care less, cause she's pretty bitchy in general I am tipping 10-15%
If the server does the job well but is an unfriendly wench in general, I will likely leave 10% on the money.
If a server totally screws up everything, and it seems like e or she is having the worst day of their life, but they make me love them, or at least laugh, I'm likely leaving 20% still.

That's how I roll, but this is my industry, so it's pretty hard to bullshit me, ya know?

About our working conditions.

One time a lady cleaned out the used tissues and other random assorted garbage from her purse and kind of shoved it in my hands.

 I have worked constantly, not even breaking to pee or eat, downing mugs of tepid coffee in one gulp, and swallowing handfuls of un-chewed fries. We usually have to pay for our own dine and dashes... thanks for that (you know who you are). Sexual harassment is as common as breathing, and breathing is usually accompanied by the exhalation of smoke. Smokers who want to quit, should probably find a new line of work.

Servers have an enormous work ethic.

I've worked with a lifeless arm, a torn ACL, broken scafoid, cramps from hell, a baby in a sling, laryngitis, in killer high heel boots, with an abscess and impacted wisdom tooth, 9 months pregnant,  and way too many ridiculously awful hangovers. I've walked and walked through blizzards to get to work, worked through power outages, in rough neighborhoods where I once actually had to break up a trick in progress on my patio. I've broken up bar fights, cleaned up peoples illegal activities, cleaned up peoples violent messes... I've had crazy people fall in love with me, had wives come to work to kill me, and had more crazy people think I was a chosen one and follow me around. Oh yeah, I worked pretty much every single holiday for a good 10 years, I swear.


More perks.

There are zero benefits and zero paid vacation.  In fact I have never even had the knee surgery I was told to have when I was 20. All for the reason that there are no sick days, and no guarantees of a busy night, and so living paycheck to paycheck or rolling in it, we are all the same, and almost need to be dying to not come to work on a Friday night. My maternity leave...sucks. Oh and we keep other worldly hours, that make you think we are lazy do nothing bums when you call us at 9 am and we want to kill you, but it's the equivalent to if we phoned you up at 4am.

Kay, I am not sure I have ever ranted like this, so you will have to excuse any run on sentences. Please.

I will try to get to the point.

Sometimes, we screw up. Sometimes it is our fault. I always fessed up to this, some never do.

One time, my kitchen screwed up two tables and I inadvertently fed an orthodox Jewish man pork. He screamed while gagging and spewing food into his napkin. I cried while the rest of the patio stared at me like I was the most gigantic idiot in the world. It sooo was not my fault!!

 Sometimes we are working in conditions with the dumbest human beings on the planet, sometimes those morons are you. If we work in corporate places, chances are we agree that our flair (see the movie 'OFFICE SPACE') is so very uncool. That we don't want to say "Howdy Folks" and go through an annoying spiel to get you to add a skillet of mushrooms to your steak. And we likely don't fancy ourselves to be especially gifted that we can write our names upside down on a table, or sing a fabulous birthday song to you.

We are simply people that are trying to get by in this world. We try like the dickens to put up with your shit, the corporate crap, or even the domestic crap in the small family run places...don't get me started on that one. (I have worked for zero wage just to help at several family run places!!) We might be trying to raise our kids, or figure out what path to take, or we may be trying to get through schooling.

Which leaves me to my final reason you should tip well and treat your server with kindness and respect.


Most servers and bartenders will not remain servers and bartenders forever. They will go on in life to be your dentist, doctor, mechanic, heating repairman... you get the picture. And one of the awesome perks of the job that never goes away, is we do not forget faces. We see you 10 years later and know that you always ask whats on tap then drink Heineken in a frosty mug, and dump crazy amounts of ketchup all over your fries and then complain that they are cold. Yup. We. Remember. Everything.


So to the guy who threw my charity stars at me, and told me to use my own tip to buy them, which by the way I did, I will probably see you again... when you least expect it!

In summary.

Upon arrival, focus. You can order without being the most confusing person ever. Then try to refrain from ogling us really obviously, we know you're doing it, but when you are obvious about it or add creepy banter, we just don't know how to be polite without letting the fake smile or laugh creep in. No one wants this. Also  abandoning all of your sensibilities, and responsibilities is not cool. Up to and including your alcohol consumption. We will take your keys, cut you off, call authorities if need be even if it will really embarrass you and even though we really don't want to, because we have to!! It's the law. Enjoy yourself, your food, our company, your company, the atmosphere, the game, the band, whatever. We honestly want everyone to be very happy with us and their overall experience. Then tip well, and don't make us hover for the payment, just pay up and leave with a thank-you. Why not make a great impression and remember our names for the next time while you are at it.  Get it? Good.


PS. Current bartenders and servers everywhere. I expect love letters from you for writing this. I feel like I have done the whole world a service by doing this. Heck, guys who try to date waitstaff might even have better chances because of me. I might be as instrumental in helping industry peoples lives as beer. OK maybe that was too far but I am happy to help.  I can't turn back time and help myself, but I can help you! Help me out and tell me all the things guests do that I missed.... like showing up at almost close or open with no reservation and a party of 25. ... or every individual at a table needing their own private retelling of the specials, the tap line up, and translations of everything in Italian they don't understand.... like ordering from your boobs... like cleaning up their wings bones off the table (we give you a bowl for a reason!!!)... I could do this all night but I won't!